It's been a while.
A long while. 

Isn't it funny how so much can be missing but you stay content?
Everything seems to have come in a full circle - and the lights at the end of tunnel, i'll just be sure not to get blinded by it again. 

 

 People just don't seem to get it. Ever. 

Things are pointless, they always have been, always will be. 

I hate it that people lie.
I hate people. 
I hate what they are, not what they could be. 

We just take for ourselves. 

My mom goes to chemo tuesday. 
I hope I get to keep my loratab when I get my wisdom teeth cut out, my brothers already got dibs, of course. 

 Well.... 
I went to the local park and drew all ove a daniel boone statue. 
That made the newspaper. 

Then I went to my brothers friends house played with light sabors with this little kid aiden, went to goodys, cops followed us, we went back and I watched everyone snort lines and play guitar (there was a trekkie strung out on acid), drove around dairy queen about 50 times, went to his ex girlfriends place (when she wasnt there) to eat chicken. 

I was supposed to go to the movies but I went to mc donalds and ended up running from the cops and hanging out at the mexican grocery. 

Welcome to the everyday. 

 Im negative
&
People keep dissapointing me.

A positive  attitude can change the worst of situations.

That's what I told myself when I went to make brownies.

Too bad I ate all the batter before I could put them in the oven.

mmmmmm...... ; ) scrumptious.

 

....That was pointless.

I   Once I had a penny, spent it on my thoughts.
Didn't come out with much.

   Once I spent a fortune, buying back my soul.
Didn't come out with much. 

  I watched apocalypto today, it was such a good movie.
but damn, it stressed me out. I thought the guy was dead so many times, he got with arrows and hit over the head and almost got his heart cut out, and a woman in a well in labor with her first child on her shoulders could not have a baby pop out so fast. 
  
I got really into it. 

I went to buy shoes and cresants with daryl today.
I was watching him smoke this cigar and it just triggered something, so I wrote it down on a napkin.
****
every single thing, every single feeling, every single action is based on your perception of something. if you see a situation in one light, you will feel differently than a person that sees it in another light and has beliefs in different things and whose emotions work differently. everything just depends, and it all happens unpredictably. you can't expect one thing to happen or expect one person to react a certain way. 

So, what happens to love? What if one person see's a relationship as really serious, and the other is more of a "friends with benifits" kind of person? I mean, I know you're supposed to talk about these things with a person, but then feelings and thoughts get in the way and perceptions get distorted and you start to believe only what you want and....

Love is such a lost cause. 

sdfjfgngfg!!!!

we've spent 8 months together..... should I be happy? I dont feel happy. 
I guess it's what's comfortable, and thats why I stick around.
But I drank some watermelon soda from mexico today, and it made me happy. So things aren't that bad.

 

I think I found out what I want to do with the rest of my life.
I'm pretty glad I have - Now I can actually have a goal and quit feeling so...
numb and pointless.

I want to be an art therapist. 
I kind of want to work in a mental ward. 
Something about crazy, or chemically imbalanced, people fascinates me. 
Im easily amused by lots of things though.
But it'd be interesting going to work everyday I think. 

I guess I want to because my grandfather has been to sent to a mental ward, called eastern, several times. 
He's tried to kill several people, including me and my grandmother. I haven't seen him in years, he didnt really want to talk to us after my mom got cancer.  He lives on a hill without plumbing or running water. When he takes a crap, he pours water down the toilet and it flushes it out under his trailer, needless to say, it stinks... really bad. He gets his water from a spring and used to give me round things of mud and he'd tell me they were indian marbles. I think they were just clumps of dirt. I still have them, somewhere. He has about 4 trailers and sheds and they're all filled with junk. His kitchen is covered in cockroaches and he lives raw meat out on the porch. I make it a point not to visit him. It's disgusting, I don't really mind that he tried to kill me, He's manic. I dont really remember it either, I was still a baby.  

Well, thats enough about my life. 

Downtown. :]



dsfdsfcvkgjhfjrt!!!

I'm such a freak.
Im 16 and my best friend is a coke addict,
and my brother.
I enjoy watching people do drugs.
I've never touched them in my life, but I'm obsessed with them.



I was at fazolis with Daryl and I drew one of their lemons.

Then I came home and painted a bird.

Daryl bought a car today. It's a '97 Bonneville.

An old man from West Virginia had owned it. I found things in the center compartment from him. His name was Hansel Workman. He shopped at kroger alot (There was 3 or 4 kroger receipts and a kroger plus card), He had a pill bottle full of hershey kisses.

It made me happy in an odd way.

Why don't we say goodbye,
Quit pretending,
You're feeding on testosterone,
My estrogen can't say no,
We'll just fight more and more,

and soon I'll break.

"its a pussy and its hot looking and feeling"

Ugh!!!!

I hate boys even more.

Happy Valentines Day to you too, Brandon.

Since when did you get so much authority over my life?

I went sledding and walked downtown today. It was snowing and I went with daryl to check out a new apartment. It was old and had windows I liked.

Brandon is mad at me. What's new? I guess you don't even know who that is, but it would be my boyfriend.

Why would anyone even care to read this????

God hates me. I dont know what to do anymore. too many people need to much help from a girl who's not stable or sane.

I hate boys.

What better to do on a snowday than to make sugar cookies for Valentines day?



mmmm...

Situations can improve - People cant.
But we dont need to,
So when I wash up,
Worn and Blue,
Ill be crawling,
Back to you.
***
I could see
me loving you
I know we could make it through,
and my thoughts
contain your face,
it takes me to a better place.

We had to break into my neighbors house last night.
She's this crazy anal old woman.
When I was little, she said she was going to call the pound and have them take away my dog.
Nobody could get ahold of her, she wouldn't answer the door or answer the phone.
So, not knowing what else to do, we through a brick through her basement door window. Then walked up the steps and broke down another door.
She had fallen, so we called 911, and they came and got her.


I went to chemo with mom today.



This is all I really did.
I had drawn another picture, but I left it there on a clipboard.
I was a girls face in a rose and I liked it and hoped it would brighten up someone elses day.




I can't wait for spring. I'll get to take pretty pictures like this one.



Summer was amazing. I miss swiming and having time for my bestfriend...



That's her on the left, and me on the right.